I wanted to wish everyone a Happy New Years. It’s the end of 2005 so I thought I would run through a few of the bests and worsts of the year.

Best of 2005:

 

1. Best Movie: King Kong
2. Best TV Show: The Office
3. Best Song: Forlorn[Mix B] by Freakazoid
4. Best Event(Global): The NHL coming back
5. Best Event(Personal): Getting Promoted back in June
6. Person of the Year: Tied between former presidents Bush and Clinton 

Worst of 2005:

 

1. Worst Movie: The Poseidon Adventure(NBC)
2. Worst TV Show: The stupid infomercials that replaced Morning Buzz
3. Worst Song: Katzenklo
4. Worst Event(Global): Katrina
5. Worst Event(Personal): My family’s house getting burglarized
6. Moron of the Year: Prince Harry for his Nazi outfit

 

So today and tomorrow is it for 2005. Make the best of it because it’s the last you’ll ever see of it.

 

Only a few things to add today and none of them are related.

1.A biblical curse of some sort that had me cracking up(you can thank Liquidyfire’s site for it):

Hear this, O thou love-child of Methuselah, for you will be mocked by eunuchs!

2.A picture of Danica Patrick from the netscape main page:

3.And last but not least a question for everyone that I would have asked yesterday had I not gotten myself distracted:

How was your Christmas?

I should admit that I was planning all weekend to write about how my Christmas went once I got back online today. Well it went very well(to the tune of a nice MP3 CD Player and a pair of Tiesto CD’s just to start), but far more is on my mind at the moment.

You see between last night and this morning I read Joseph Conrad’s ‘Heart of Darkness’. It was mentioned in the movie King Kong and so I thought I’d read it and find out some more about it. Well it has most certainly left me a little shaken up.I guess I should have suspected it was on the darker side of human experience considering it’s name, but somehow it is lingering in my mind a little more than most books tend to. I finished the DaVinci Code on Sunday night, and as awesome as that book was, here I am writing about this relatively small(barely over 100 pages) story about a man named Marlow describing his journey on a river in the Congo.

Now the story itself takes place during the attempted British colonization of Congo and is very disturbingly described. It was not the description of slave workers searching for gold or ivory that have me typing here today. It is in fact the narrator himself who so unnerved me. I read a few Amazon reviews to see if anyone else felt the same way, but I found myself wondering if the title was much more applicable to Marlow than it ever was to either the Congo or the ‘Pilgrims’ as Conrad likely intended. Perhaps it has a triple meaning and all three were intended, but who knows.

The first thing that becomes clear about Marlow is that he has an exceptional skill of perception. He can see right below the surface of just about everyone around him and is able to perceive the true intentions and motives that drive them down the river. As for himself, all he seems to care about is the rivets and rust etc etc. It is what he does with his ability that distubed me so. He has to be one of the most negatively judgemental human beings ever committed to paper. He has an uncanny ability to prop himself up over the rest of those with him on the steamboat and even over those slaves and still ‘free’ savages who yell and hoot from the jungle. He very clearly despises the white men around him(he is white) and at first appears to sympathize with the black men who are being ‘retrained’ in the ways of the so called ‘civilized world’.

Through Marlow, Conrad shows his disgust for this notion of bringing civilization to the ‘Savage lands’ around there. So what is his purpose in being in the Congo? To find a man named Kurtz and apparently rescue him or bring him supplies(I sort of forget, but maybe it’s not so important anyway). So off Marlow and the rest of the crew go to find Kurtz on a little rusty steamship. It is a very intriguing point in the story when Marlow describes one of the natives who has been trained to be a fireman for the steamship. Where it appears that he is dressed ‘civilized’ and could understand how to work the ship, Marlow describes how this man only understands that if the steamglass gets below a certain point that a god of some kind will get very angry. And so the frightened savage throws fuel on the fire in order to prevent the wrath of the fire god. The man is described with such evident disgust that I cannot imagine any clearer way for Conrad to show his disgust at the notion of colonization.

Were the story complete at this point, I would have been content, but it is not. They do eventually find Kurtz and for those who have seen Apocalypse Now, picture something similar to where Martin Sheen’s character finally finds Marlon Brando’s(It’s been awhile – I can’t remember the names!) and it is clear that Brando’s has becomes some sort of god to the native tribespeople. Well it is the same with Kurtz. Due to his flashy clothes and different skin, he is taken as a sort of god and believes he can bring love and justice to this savage land.

How does Marlow react to all of this? With little more than pure cold indifference. One of Kurtz’s assistant from Britain is an extreme admirer of his. His obsession is met with basically a ‘shoo fly’ attitude. He does not try and get rid of these fools who are expoiting these people by forcing them to bring them ivory(which they then ship to Britan for great fame) but simply frowns upon them, through his internal dialgoue.

I’m beginning to ramble. What has me distrubed is that for all his powers of perception, Marlow cannot see that given the right circumstances and the opportunity, he would also make himself a god over these ‘savages’. He already knows how powerful his steamboat whistle can be, all he needs to do is blow it whenever the savages demand something of him and he has all the power he needs. He has already exerted it! He did it to try and prevent his and his crew members death, but he exerted a godlike influence already!

So what if Marlow had gotten to the place before Kurtz? It would be Marlow who would be worshipped on hand a knee as a god. It would be Marlow who would be viewed with contempt any of his countrymen come to find him. Oh that’s right….his ivory shipments had slowed down…thats why he went to find Kurtz.

Anyways, to conclude my little diatribe against Marlow, I cannot help but ask myself how far away am I removed from becoming a god in a savage land? With a mere twist of circumstance any one of us could shackle those less ‘civilized’ than us in the chains of a misguided faith. How far away are we from being those misguided savages? How far are we from being those hollow pilgrims who wish to subordinate the savages in the name of Britain? How far removed are we from being just another Marlow, merely content to wave our mental finger and ignore those who both dominate and submit? I realize full well that this may appear to be quite hypocritical, but I would like to believe the distinction between merely condemning Marlow and taking steps not to be like him is to try and understand him. Through understanding the man, and I suppose Conrad himself, perhaps we may avoid obtaining our own Heart of Darkness. Then again, perhaps all we are is a bunch of trained savages who do not wish to upset the fire god….As Marlow pointed out, we are all trained monkeyes who perform our little tricks.

Alright Im done,

Just another trained monkey,

Shadow

P.S. I’m going home to eat a banana.

 

We have a new subscriber! Time to divulge her random secret!

My Random Revelation about megorto:

She is known throughout the criminal underworld as the notorious Butterscotch Bandit. Why is this? She is a terrifically skilled dognapper who earned her name by replacing the little stolen dogs with exact replicas made out of butterscotch candies! Terrible, Terrible…..I suspect she obtained her own dog, Stryder, through this very method!

Welcome to the site Megorto! Bark!! ::swipe::

My Readers, I introduce you to Traci W. who was a contestant last night on the TV show Deal or No Deal. I also introduce you to my new love. My love for brunettes has never been secret and then all of a sudden here comes Traci on my screen. My mouth practically hit the floor! I kid you not, I was like ‘DAMN!!’. Tina Fey, Famke Janssen, Keira Knightley….very nice. This 26(at most) year old 1st grade teacher from Texas whips them all. There was no ring on her finger, nor was there a husband, boyfriend sitting with her family to give advice about whether to deal or not. This picture is from the Deal or no Deal website at nbc.com by the way.

Anyways…in light of the fact that she is a teacher, I hereby dedicate this song to the future Mrs. Shadow. Hit it Cupid!

(Words by Van Halen)

Oh, wow, man, I said
Wait a second, man
What do you think the teacher’s gonna look like this year?
Fuck man!

Uh!
Oh yeah!

T-T-teacher stop that screamin’
Teacher don’t you see?
Don’t wanna be no uptown fool
Maybe I should go to hell
But I am doing well
Teacher needs to see me after school

I think of all the education that I’ve missed
But then my homework was never quite like this!

Ow! Got it bad,
Got it bad,
Got it bad,
I’m hot for teacher!
I’ve got it bad, so bad
I’m hot for teacher!

Hey, I heard you missed us
We’re back! (Hey!)
I brought my pencil
Give me something to write on, man!
Whoa

Uh!

Ooo-oo-ooo

I heard about your lessons
but lessons are so cold
I didn’t know about this school
Little girl from Cherry Lawn
How can you be so bold?
How did you know that golden rule?

I think of all the education that I’ve missed
But then my homework was never quite like this!

Whoa! Got it bad,
Got it bad,
Got it bad,
I’m hot for teacher!
I’ve got it bad, so bad
I’m hot for teacher!

Whoa!
(Guitar Solo)

Oh man, I think the clock is slow
(What are you doin’ this weekend?) I don’t feel tardy
Class dismissed!
Ooh-yeah!

I’ve got it bad,
Got it bad,
Got it bad,
I’m hot for teacher!

I’ve got it bad,
Got it bad,
Got it bad,
I’m hot for teacher!

Whoa!
Oh! Ooh, yes I’m hot
Wow!

Whoa!
Oh! Ooh, yes I’m hot
Wow!

Oh my God!
Woo!

The song is called ‘Hot For Teacher’ by Van Halen.

And with that I wish you all a safe and Merry Christmas. In order to bring the two themes of this entry together I present you with a Christmas message delivered to me by another awesome brunette I know.

“The feeling of giving is much more fulfilling than the feeling of getting,”

Traci? I’m into both.What? What? Christmas gifts people!!! Oh forget it….

Merry Christmas Everyone!

-Shadow

EDIT: I won’t be back til next Wednesday.

So I’ve been trying to think of a few unique types of posts that I could do every once in awhile that would make my site a little more…well…unique. The Random Revelations for all new subscribers is one type of post. A second, yet to be seen, type will be a Random Rant type of entry. The first one of that series will come next week.

This here is the third type of new entry that I just thought up last night. I think once I finish this post my intention behind it will be fairly clear.

Before I confess anything, I should mention that this is not intended to make light of the catholic form of confession valued by many people. It is simply to have a little fun and to make people laugh a little. That having been said….

My Random Confession for today is this: I have been wearing socks with a hole in them for the past week.

Please, do not riot! It is true I am sad to say. Before you try and run me through with a pitchfork, I ask you to try and understand! You see Christmas is on the way, and I believe that I will receive new socks at some point as I do every year. My socks over the past month have dwindled and the pair I currently wear on my feet are my last! I could go purchase new socks I know, but I figure why spend 12 bucks when I should be getting some in just a matter of days. And so I wear my holy socks. I do hope you find it in yourself to forgive me such a failing. I’m really not so bad a person, I just happen to wear socks with a hole in them until Christmas. I promise you that if I get none in my stocking or anywhere else, that I will go to Target and purchase new ones. Then perhaps you will forgive me? I thank you for trying to understand my predicament.

 

I am so sorry

I hang my head in shame

I do not ask for your pity

I have only myself to blame

 

-Your humbled Shadow

 

Now that I have welcomed my first subscriber, I would like to begin to share some thoughts on something that has been on my mind for the past few months, but finally made it’s way into my personal journal in a double essay between yesterday morning and this morning. I’m now going to discuss a few of my thoughts about Heaven.

Last night there was a special on ABC by Barbara Walters that went into some of the many viewpoints about heaven. There were views put forward by Evangelical leaders, by Islamic leaders(which was very interesting actually), by various Buddhist monks(and Richard ‘first knight’ Gere) and even some point of views from Athiests about how neither heaven nor hell exist at all. It was a very very intriguing documentary to say the least.

You see I did not know anything about it before 9 o clock when I was browsing for something to replace the loss of The Amazing Race(Go Lindzes! Who Dey!). I had written a full handful of pages just that morning about heaven when all of a sudden ‘Tonight a special report by Barbara Walters….’ That was a pretty sweet coincidence. I knew right away I’d not only be writing a whole nother essay this morning, but that I’d also share a little bit of my thoughts here for all to see. Some of you may disagree and thats perfectly alright. Share your thoughts just as I have shared mine.

What I think is central to existence in heaven is happiness. Whether merit plays a part in how happy our afterlife will be, I do not know. I do believe that those who try to live their lives for the purpose of increasing not just their own level of happiness, but also that of the people around them. I also think that those who live an entirely selfless existence will reap far more rewards once they have moved onto the next level.

Once we are there, I think we will find that Heaven is not a specific place in the physical realm, but rather close to what we experience in a dream. The physical world exists, but only through our perceptions(shout out to George Berkeley). In our dreams, we have no notion of time, and I believe the same is true for heaven. Time does not exist. This is a very good thing because I’d really rather not get bored for all eternity. One of the funniest far sides ever was of a man sitting on a cloud in the middle of the sky all by himself saying ‘Wish I brought a magazine’. I think it is very pertinent don’t you?

One of my other favorite far sides depicts a bunch of flies on and around a giant bowl of mashed potatoes. The caption below simply says ‘fly heaven’. I think it’s great. I also think he is on to something. The flies get a giant bowl of potatoes why? Because it is what would make them happy. I find myself thinking that when we go to heaven, the ‘world’ around us will be chosen by us. Not really consciously though, because I think that we will find ourselves living the rest of eternity in the place where we were happiest on Earth. Think to yourself, if you could exist in one moment of time, one place in time for all eternity, where would you go? That is where I think the best of us will go when our time here is done.

Although I vascillated quite a bit over this decision today during work, I will share with you where my place would be. To those of you who have known me for a long time, you may have already guessed where it would be. Well besides in the arms of Keira Knightley, though that would be second. Maybe the second half of eternity I will spend with her! !

No actually it would be at Camp Otterbein. I went there from when I was in 3rd grade(1991?) to the Summer after graduation(2000). It was there that I was happy and it was there that I was free. Overall I have come to realize that I have lived a very well-to-do life despite what previous(as in 2001, 1999, and so forth) versions of myself would tell you. I am 24 and am doing well, much better in fact than many people in the world. However I have gone through some hardships and whenever I think of an emotional retreat where I could regroup to face the next battle, I think of my time spent at Camp Otterbein. I met some great people there(Andrew, Red, Cleo the ferret, Steph, Michael) and also some great girls(Rachel from 1996, Dawn from 1997, Laura from 1998 and the girl who changed the course of my life – Vanessa from 2000). I believe I was comfortable and open with all of them as a result of being away from some of my troubles at home. Otterbein provided an atmosphere of peace to me.

There is one specific moment I wish to share and then this massive post will close. The one moment in my life I can remember having no cognitive dissonance whatsoever. The one moment where my phsycial, mental and spiritual self all felt as one. It was during the 1999 game of capture the flag(at 2 AM) when I was playing defense for a little while. There was an immense amount of fog and very little moon. This left me in the middle of the back end of the field with about a ten foot ring of visibility around me. I kept close enough to the front line to be able to see the shadows of those who were guarding it. It was the most surreal setting and yet, it felt like I was seeing into my own soul. Here I had always felt like the shadow amongst everyone else, and now everyone was a shadow. ‘We all are one’ as the song goes on my cd Celtic Woman. It was one of the few times that I felt akin to all those who exist around me. For once everyone was a shadow, and everyone was equal. When all you can see is a shadow, there is no room for materialism, to say nothing of the physical world which many of us perceive to be the most important one. What was most important to me in that ring of fog was the realization that ‘Hey, we are all the same here’. To me that is how I would like to feel in heaven and I have a feeling that when I get there, I will find myself in that ring of fog, seeing everyone as a shadow just like me for the rest of eternity.

That, my dear readers, would be heaven indeed. Thank you for reading and I hope you have a pleasant day.

-Shadowrunner81(Dan)

 

I have a new subscriber. I thought about what I could do to celebrate each new subscriber to my xanga site here and lo and behold, what did I come up with? How about revealing one completely random secret about the new subscriber that none of their friends and family know except me! So to any lurkers out there, I would not mind it at all if you would join, just know that you’ll have some totally random secret revealed to all the world!

My Random Revelation about gatina_de_esperance:

She likes to go to the park and kick ducks.

Welcome to my site gatina! Quack!!

Sudafed O Sudafed

How much I appreciate thee

Without you I’d Still be in bed

Without you I’d never be free(from sickness…you know?)

 

Sudafed Dear Sudafed

You swim through my bloodstream

Thank you for healing my head

Thank you for not making me scream.(though that would make my headache worse)

 

Sudafed My Sudafed

I kill for your healing touch

If it weren’t for you my eyes would be red

If it weren’t for you I’d sniffle much(Oh shut up, it rhymes)

 

Sudafed, My Friend Sudafed

If not for you I’d still be really sick

You are here so I’m not dead

You are here so I no longer act like a prick(pretty much…GRRR!)

 

Sudafed is red

Violets are blue

Thank you for being here

Dear Sudafed? I love you

 

I hate colds. I hate colds. I hate colds.By the way….I hate colds.

Later,

Dan