February 21, 2006

  • Peace!!!

    Picture obtained from: http://www.real-yell.shetland.co.uk/The%20Surreal/SURREAL(19).jpg

    Imagine that you find a house that is almost beyond being salvageable. You see it and it’s just a complete dump. The roof is all smashed in, the windows are boarded up in a vain attempt to keep away unwanted intruders. It looks like the biggest dog in the history of the world took a dump on the front step. The walls are propped up by huge planks. Somehow you can tell this thing has been through an Earthquake, a Tornado, and just for good measure some arsonist came by and torched part of it. I mean this thing is in God-awful condition. It probably looks like it would be best to just raze the thing to the ground and use what’s left to build a new house.

     

    Now imagine that you own that house, and that it was shaped by the past few generations of your family. There is no way you can just tear the thing down. It would be sacrilegious! So instead you know, and have always known, that this is your place. Not only that, but you know it’s your home. To go and move somewhere else is to give the place up to the dogs and/or drug dealers. This place is your home. Deal with it. It sucks, but the strong thing to do is to ignore any tendencies towards feeling victimized and do what you can to build the place up.

     

    Flash forward 10 years….

     

    There were times where you couldn’t help but lament at the holes in the walls, break down due to the electricity constantly going out, or even retreat for awhile to the neighboring hills and allow the place to be flooded over for awhile. But those times are past now. The house still needs some work, but it’s definitely livable now. Not only that, but it’s finally getting to the point where inviting others in may actually be a reasonable choice. It’s not a mansion near west egg(Gatsby!), but it’s not the decrepit little shack it once was. When others pass by it and see they can see the potential. They can sense a pervasive sadness surrounding it, but it’s not a house destined for destruction and/or eternal damnation. It’s now a house that you can show off, even though doing so can cause great hesitation beforehand. Afterall, this is your house. What if you invite someone in and, despite years of work on the big flaws, still see the little ones and decide they do not wish to stay. You’ve invested incredible amounts of thought and energy to the place. It’s not perfect, but you’re happy there.

     

    Well that’s where I am right now in terms of my mental health. It’s not perfect, but it’s not something that I think should prevent my happiness any longer. It’s a strange feeling in my head right now. All you have to do is look at that letter I wrote a week ago to get an idea why.

     

    I cut myself loose of God about three years ago. I suppose last week I cut myself loose of my goddess. It was a strange feeling back then when I let go of those heavenly dreams. It’s a strange feeling now that I’ve let go of my biggest earthly dream. Well I no longer have anything to hold onto, and so I’m falling. The funny thing about falling is that there is a certain sense of freedom. I figure if I’m wrong about God I’m falling towards damnation. I figure if I’m wrong about letting go of my search for an angel that, at least for the time being, I will go on living without any kind of interpersonal foundation that is provided by a meaningful relationship. I there will be no heaven for me, there is no foundation for me to hit when I fall too far, so all that’s left for the time being is the rush of wind blowing by me as I fall farther and farther away from the dreams I once held.

     

    When you don’t believe in God, where does your faith tend to go? When you don’t in Man after that, where does your faith tend to go? When all that remains is the realization that you’re going to fall for another 60 years or so, what is the best you can do?

     

    The best I can do is continue to build my house in such a way that I can do my best to make my neighbors comfortable. They don’t know it, but I’m going to go through their lives in a blur. Here I am! ::zip:: There I go!

     

    I’m no longer repairing this house so much as I am modifying it for a purpose. It’s not to get me to heaven anymore. It’s not to get the best girl my feeble mind can conjure up anymore. It’s just to bring a few smiles to the faces I see as I tumble my way into the abyss.

     

    Perhaps it’s not the happiest existence, but then again when was it ever. Perhaps the only salvation for this soul of mine is to do my best to convince others that happiness is possible and attainable for them. If I have any dream left, it’s just to have a sense of peace, a sense of belonging and a sense of inherent…OKness….once. Just once is all I ask. I learned that it’s not going to come from a heavenly god, it’s not going to come from an earthly goddess, and no matter how often I write about it, it isn’t something I can grant myself. If the feeling of inner peace is not available to me, then I’m going to stop seeking it and do what I can to give it to everyone else.

     

    The question that haunts me is whether or not this house is good enough. The ultimate hell is not a lack of inner peace. Hell isn’t even a place where pitchforks stab you to make sure you keep dancing on the flames. Hell is the desire to open everyone else’s eyes to the peace they deserve but realizing that you can’t. It’s doing so much work on your home and realizing it’s still repulsive – even to the ones who can see it’s potential. It’s coming to the realization that it doesn’t matter how much or how long you work – you’ll never be good enough and realizing that not matter how much or how long you work – that everyone else seems to realize that better is out there. It’s realizing the truth that for some unknown reason you weren’t good enough for God, weren’t good enough for even the most polluted goddess, and yet being cursed with an inner stubbornness that tells you to ‘keep on truckin’ anyway.

     

    I’m falling, but at least I’m feeling free. Smile and Peace be with you! !

    Guess what someone looks like when they fall by you so quickly you only catch it in your peripheral vision…..

    -Shadow