March 7, 2006
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In Search Of Trust: Attempt #2
So I’m going to take another shot at this. The reason why I let go of God is because I don’t really know how to trust. I do, as strange as it sounds, believe there is a God and I hold an appreciation for those who choose to worship him however they choose to do so. The fact of the matter is though, that as of yet, I still do not have the ability to really let go and trust. It’s not because of a choice I made in some knock-down drag-out ‘I hate you God’ type of moment. It’s simply because I don’t know how to trust. The truth is that it was seared out of me years ago.
Without going into the kinds of personal details that would make this post unanswerable, I learned at 13 and 14 that trusting in the people around me was not a wise option. I learned that really letting go is a very dangerous option. Once upon a time I likened it to owning an igloo, that igloo being the only safe place within your experience, and welcoming in someone who possesses a flamethrower. I got burned in one area, I trusted in another. I got burned in that area, and since those were the two people who have the most influence on a person’s life, that was about it for the whole trusting business.
As a result, it isn’t really God who is at fault and I don’t blame him for the human mistakes made by those I loved. But unfortunately, God became a casualty of war. I no longer knew how to trust and so I didn’t trust God.
So a couple of years ago the disingenuous feelings I always had when it came to proclaiming myself a ‘Christian’ or a ‘Godly-person’ finally got the best of me and I just stopped making those proclamations. It’s not that I feel I can do better without God, I just don’t feel the need for, love for, or trust in God that really defines a Godly individual. I’m not taking some stance on a hill saying ‘I can make it on my own’, because I know I can’t. I just don’t know any other way. I never learned that you can count on other people and have them come through for you in your worst hours.
What I learned instead was that in your worst hours, just to put it aside and figure it out later. I learned self-sufficiency, and I learned it way too much looking back at the ripe old age of 24. If Megan catches this entry this will make sense of the whole ‘arm’s length’ discussion she and I had last year. If Sara catches this it will make a little more sense of why I so rarely ask for advice.
I once took quite a bit of pride in being able to say ‘I’m independent’. Well it turns out that my independence is my greatest weakness and a cause of quite a bit of heartache. All the entries that I’ve put up under the banner of ‘Trying to trust’ are doing some good, but honestly I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the concept.
This is my number one relationship struggle. I guess it sort of feels like that Ring of Gyges question. Is it better to be a person who appears to trust, even if they in truth do not? I’m working on it and I don’t really plan on actively seeking out any more relationships until it’s solved. This is why I’m going to hit that submit button in a few minutes. Now that I am aware of all this, it would be the crappiest thing in the world to reel some girl into a relationship knowing full well that all of this is still unsolved.
The only thing worse than going around singing the praises of a girl I know I don’t trust is going around singing the praises of a God I know I don’t trust. I’d like to have that ability one day. The kind of peace that is written all over that Love in 305 A.C. entry? I don’t know what that feels like. That whole thing was pure conjecture. It’s what I would like to feel and I’m no longer convinced it’s possible without the ability to trust.
I hope I made at least a little sense of all this. This whole entry is kind of like life without trust…..”hey…I’m just winging it here.”
-Dan
Comments (3)
You’re genuine. I respect that. Trust is hard. I’ve had struggles with it too but not to the extent that you have. In some periods of my life I’ve been too trusting and people hurt me with their reactions to my openness, so I shut myself away even from people I could have trusted. I think I’m fairly balanced now though. Trust is a jump you take when you hope the person on the other side will catch you. Somehow I took it. Independence and pride came with the lack of trust, and I’m still working on those.
The best advice I can think of on trust is this. Trust is letting go of keeping to yourself and putting yourself in another’s hands. It’s hard because you can control yourself, but you can’t control others. They may take care of you better than you could have on your own, or you may be worse off for having trusted them. God can’t be controlled either, but at least we know that he is trustworthy and good. The paradox of trusting God is he is a better keeper of our trust than we are, so where we would think he is forsaking our trust, he’s actually operating higher than we can see at the moment.
I’ve always known that God is trustworthy, but sometimes my heart won’t trust for fear. Letting go of myself is the hardest part, but it has to be done to trust. I don’t know if trust will come gradually to you or come more as an epiphany, but you’re on the right track with searching and being genuine.
i trust you.
beyond that all that i need to say needs to be said on the phone. i shall try and call you when i can, though i do not know when that may be.
That epiphany would be nice but really, I don’t think there will ever be a time where I can stand up and say ‘Ok, now I’m all set to trust!’ It just isn’t going to happen so I just figure I’ll just have to recognize when the opportunity to trust presents itself and, well, take it and see what happens.
“Trust is letting go of keeping to yourself and putting yourself in another’s hands”
I agree.