This poem would be best understood if read while listening to Branwin’s Secret from the CD Daughters of the Celtic Moon by Lisa Lynne

 

Picture obtained from: http://home.chello.no/~larse/Mane1.jpg

 

Moonlit beams rain down from the sky above

Through the trees they dance across her face

A forest to the left, a forest to the right

Her red-gold hair entrances him through the night

 

Her voice is soft like a mouse, her spirit filled with fire

The hooting owl breaks the silence between their souls

Their eyes reflect years full of hidden pain

Could the stars above keep the two of them sane?

 

They wish to love, they wish to trust

The barriers between them, can they be broken

Those eyes, those eyes, so full of sad, celtic beauty

A harp plays within their minds, a long lost melody

 

They speak words designed to penetrate, to manipulate

Soon enough though, the walls come down and eyes begin to see eyes

Will these two lost souls on this moonlit night,

Find what has forever lain beyond their sight?

 

A hand reaches out and a heart begins to melt

An embrace springs forth and fears fade away

Somewhere behind them, the sunrise begins to break

Somewhere inside them, a bond they’ve begun to make.

Norah Vincent’s book is a fascinating, fascinating, fascinating read. I found it while looking up the copyright info in order for a professor to use chapter 2 of this book in a course pack. I read some of the chapter and was instantly interested in reading the rest of the book. Which I did and finished this morning shortly before England vs. Ecuador came on. It’s all about a woman who decided to try and find out about men. What it means to be a man, and what life and everything about life is like for a man. She goes about it by dressing up as a man for a year and a half, and goes to all kinds of ‘male-only’ institutions and hang-outs(for lack of a better word). I’ll go chapter by chapter in order to give my thoughts.

 

Chapter 1: Getting Started

Self-explanatory title really. In this short section all the author did was lay out how she got the idea, clarified that this wasn’t a gender-identity issue/crisis, and explained how she went about giving herself a five o clock shadow and other little details like that.

 

Chapter 2: Friendship

In this chapter, she goes to a bowling alley and gets to know a group of guys over the course of a handful of months. I found this chapter to be fascinating, as I mentioned earlier, simply because she had no idea how easily accepting guys can be with each other. “You’re a man, so you’re alright as long as, or until, you prove otherwise” seemed to be her general conclusion here. She got to know some very working class guys who were completely out of her norm. She came from New York and came across(at least in her book) as more than a little elitist. It was interesting to see her thoughts not just as her misconceptions about men were pointed out, but also as her knack for discounting those who were not quite as ‘cultured’ as she were pointed out.

 

Chapter 3: Sex

When I first looked in the table of contents, I’ll admit I was really looking forward to her comments and observations that I hoped would be within this chapter. She certainly did have some eye-opening experiences, but I felt they were more than a little tainted. You see she wanted to know what most men really believed about sex, what they really thought and wanted out of the experience. Well, in search of this answer she went strip clubs, a lot of strip clubs. Now what disappointed me about this is best served by an analogy. Let’s say I wanted to know whether there were any brunettes in the world. What are brunettes like? What do they eat? Now in search of the answers to my questions, I go to Sweden. ‘Wow, there are not very brunettes! Mostly blondes from the looks of things. Hmm, looks like brunettes are pretty rare’. Can you see how my conclusions about brunettes would be tained by going to a place known to be populated by a striking number of blondes? It was the same here. She made all sorts of conclusions about what men think about sex based on her observations of men who go to strip clubs. This chapter, ironically enough, frustrated me.

 

Chapter 4: Love

This one was far far better in my opinion. She decided to go on scores of dates to find out what the experience was like for men. She was rejected, rejected again, then rejected again and again. It felt kind of vindicating to see her thoughts about just how much power women wield(and know it). When things progressed with some of those who did not reject her character of Ned outright, it was strangely illuminating to see, from a woman’s perspective, just how women treat most of the men they date. She mentioned how some of them treated her like a chance to vent against ex-boyfriend and/or ex-fiances. She mentions how some of them treat her/him like an enemy-until-proven-otherwise. Another fascinating insight is when she goes into detail about what it is that so many women seem to want. I’ll let you find that out for yourself. Though of course, if you already are a woman then you already know.

 

Chapter 5: Life

Great chapter! She goes to live with a bunch of monks for awhile. She/he went into the place thinking it was going to be all about strict rules and self-flagellating faith. What she found were a bunch of men who were just as human and had just as many needs as the men she met at the bowling alley. Repression was the key word for what she found there. I’ve never really thought about going to become a monk, but it is interesting to find out what life on the inside of a monastery is like(and what the monks wish it could be like).

 

Chapter 6: Work

Cut-throat, cut-throat, cut-throat. A real man has balls and goes about proving it any way he can to get ahead in the work place. Period. I again wonder if her results/conclusion were not tainted by the fact that she went into a sales job(I think selling value-pack coupons) where everything operates on commission. I would have liked to have seen her go into a salaried position or even settle for an hourly position somewhere to see workplace life without the commission factor. As it was, it was an interesting chapter. I just didn’t identify with it very much.

 

Chapter 7: Self

Until I read this chapter, I never knew there was a men’s movement going on out there. One of my issues of Psychology Today alluded to something like that once in an article called ‘Where have all the real men gone’, but seeing what an underground(and it is for obvious reasons) movement like that is like was, again, fascinating. That’s kind of them word for her book isn’t it? Fascinating. While I could identify with some of the feelings some of the men in her AA-style men’s group were talking about, I’m still not entirely sure she approached the question of ‘men’s sense of self’ right. The section where she explains about every man there drawing his hero, that was awesome and I definitely identified with that. Especially the two who drew atlas and described how they felt the weight of the world on their shoulders. Being the oldest brother in a divorced family, I’ve known that feeling. I’m not a father yet, but being a substitute can provide a taste for such an overwhelming responsibility.

 

Chapter 8: Journey’s End

I won’t divulge what happened towards the end of chapter 7, or what it meant for most of chapter 8 here, but it was a sad twist. I am glad the author learned so much about herself through the whole ordeal though.

 

Overall: You absolutely must have a strong constitution to handle some of the sections. A sensitivity to crude terms will be a barrier between you and the message Norah Vincent is trying to get across. There is far more within the book than I mentioned above, but hopefully that gave you enough interest to go out and read it yourselves.

Boy, I was in the mood to write today. I wrote more of a new short story for about an hour and half on the 9th floor of the library before getting online. Then I wrote for awhile on Liquidy’s information paper. Then the post below. Then this! I already know I’ll be back tomorrow. There is a book I’m going to finish tonight that has had me thinking A TON about marraige, sex, women, love…everything along those lines. It’s part of the reason why I came over to put up my first real Xanga post in over two months(since Alphadelta’s Speechless entry). Too many things on my mind…….

 

A friend of mine asked me the other day why I was still single. She didn’t say it to be malicious, in context I believe it was clearly meant to be a compliment. And for that, I thank you, Sara. It has, admittedly, had me thinking for the past couple days. As DJ Icey’s Electro Morning plays off of my Ambient Transcendence Vol. 3 CD(self-made), the sheer emotional impact this song has always had within me causes me to write to you the answer to her question.

 

This past Thursday, I sent in my application for the new position here at the library. All of a sudden everything that had been talked about, and everything I have been training for at work over the past three or four months is coming to a conclusion. I do not know how many others have applied or will(if any) apply to the position, but the forthcoming interview process has me very nervous. I do not like public speaking very much at all, and despite doing so for the my father’s 25^th anniversary as a pastor last weekend, I do not look forward to doing it. The interview will be my way of saying, this is me, this is what I have to offer, now it’s up to you to take it or leave it.

 

It is very similar in dating. When sitting across from a beautiful girl, I get the sense that everything from the way I hold my fork to the way I talk(or don’t talk) is being judged. I have become very good at detecting what I shall call ‘tests’. I detest(haha) them. I understand why they are necessary, but dating to me should be far less of an interview and far more of an exploration. I spoke of a girl named Erin. I realize now why nothing materialized out of the early conversation she and I shared. I did not pick up on it at the time, but she had tested me, and I failed.

 

I was sitting outside the creative writing room waiting for 3:15 to come around when she came and sat down next to me and started up a conversation. I remember chuckling inside because it was a technique I had used in the past when I wanted to get to know a girl. I’d just come nearby and say, “What did you think of Descartes?” or “What did you think of Bambara?” and then go on to enjoy a nice conversation that would hopefully lead to a number exchange. Well here it was happening again, except in reverse. It was pretty cool actually. But in those situations it really is up to the person who initiated the conversation to set the tone of said conversation. The tone of that conversation, and the tone of many dinner/park dates I’ve had, was an interview. I now know the moment I lost her. We were talking about a few of the writers from class, and she asked me if I had read anything by Italo Calvino. I said that I hadn’t. She named a couple of others, and I hadn’t. At the time I thought she was backing off in order not to make me feel like a person who should be confessing to something, but in fact she backed off and never returned. I had failed her ‘well-read?’ test and now know it. Now I actually have read quite a bit, but it was too late. Tossing out one of my favorites, The Idiot by Dostoevsky, did nothing to change things.

 

Now on the surface, I suppose it could appear that I’m being a little too thin-skinned about the situation, but it is reflection of a lot of my experiences with women. They always seem to have a slew of little tests, and to fail one is to fail to prove myself…I don’t know…’man enough’? ‘good enough?’, ‘smart enough?’. Who knows, but it is enough to repulse a guy, not necessarily from women, but certainly from dating experiences for awhile.

So between that and the fact that I have had the issue of job security on my mind for this entire year, really making an active attempt at getting to know a nice girl hasn’t really been on the forefront of my mind. As much as I liked Erin, I didn’t feel that deep down urge to really go after the girl. I settled for mentioning her on this page a couple of times and that was it. As much as I would love to have shared a song like that Alphadelta song from not too long ago with a girl who had an interest, if not in the same music, at least in what really got my blood moving.

 

The movie I attached to this post, Rocky, depicts the story of a unknown boxer who gets a shot at the title and almost wins. It’s a fantastic little story that is very, very real. Don’t think of the sequels. Take this one individual movie and watch it sometime. At the same time as it tells the story of a boxer, it tells the story of a man. He’s in a crummy Philadelphia neighborhood and pays rents(maybe) by both boxing and by being ‘a leg-breaker for some two-bit loan shark’ as Mickey puts it.

 

The reason I bring this up is because, if you should choose to watch it, watch how things develop between Rocky and Adrian. It is one of the most below-the-surface love stories I have ever seen. And that fits me, and fits what I like both in the girls I’ve loved in the past, and the women I would like to meet in the future. I love subtlety. I don’t want someone who is going to give me a series of tests to see whether I’m boyfriend or marriage material. I want someone who sees eye to eye. I want someone with an emotional depth to her that will leave me absolutely fascinated by everything she does. In dating, women are the gatekeeper(you know what I mean) and so it’s up to them to determine whether the guy they are with is a worth keymaster(sorry about the ghostbuster references). It sets up women to be in a state of superiority. “Prove yourself or I flick you out the door. And you know I can do it.”

 

So I’m hoping that the job situation will work out. I’m hoping the interview will work out. It will be a few months before I really get a handle on the job, and barring an act of God, I will not really declare myself on-the-market(by dressing in something besides jeans and a t-shirt J) until I feel secure in my new position. After that, I do believe that I have a lot to offer, and wish to give to someone. I think that certain ways of dating diminish the act of giving. “Hey, you interviewed this way, thus I expect you to deliver”. That’s no gift. I want someone perceptive enough to see it’s there, but unassuming enough to desire to have it without making a big display in asking for it. It’s the same courtesy I give.

 

That and for God sakes, don’t abuse good manners by monopolizing the conversation!

4.0

Get well, Ben.