I saw/heard this video playing when I stopped by Oxley’s for my usually Tuesday/Thursday morning bagel run. I’m not usually much for most pop/rock music, but this time’s an exception. Not only is the song itself pretty decent, but the video is amazing.

“You must learn day by day, year by year to broaden your horizon. The more things you love, the more you are interested in, the more you enjoy, the more you are indignant about, the more you have left when anything happens.” ~ Ethel Barrymore

It would be impossible to describe for you what the past three days spent at a copyright conference in Washington D.C. have done for my internal confidence. I feel….good.

-Dan

When I was eight, I lived in Cincinnati and had a thirteen year old friend named Jimmy. Once, when I came over to his house, his mother answered the door and said I could just go upstairs. When I came in, he and a friend of his were drawing pictures of people having sex. I didn’t know what they were doing at first until they told me. Once, after playing Bubble Bobble on his Nintendo for awhile, we went up into his Dad’s workspace where he showed me his Dad’s playboys. He made fun of me for thinking I was looking at ‘fur’. And once, when we were in his parents garage, he pulled his penis out of his pants and told me to kiss it. I did. He told me to suck on it. I don’t remember if I did or not. I’m convinced I said I didn’t want to, but I know he wasn’t one to accept ‘no’ for an answer.

Why send a postcard? The denial is over. When I was 8, I was sexually abused by someone I thought was my best friend. This was the first sledgehammer.

When I was 15, my father told me that he was going to leave Bev, and come back to live with us. After the emotional hell that was 7th and 8th(to that point) grade, I believed him. Two weeks later he told me when I was standing outside of my mom’s apartment that he couldn’t come back.

Why send a postcard? The denial is over. When I was 15, I learned I could never again trust my father. This was the second sledgehammer.

When I later turned 16, I was terrified of driving. I didn’t know how and didn’t want to get myself or someone else killed. Over months and months my mother asked me time and again how I expect to hold a job, go visit friends, go on dates, move out if I didn’t drive. I felt rejected at school, and thought that perhaps my home would be a place of relief. It wasn’t, and it broke me.

Why send a postcard? The denial is over. When I was 16, I learned that I could not turn to my mother for relief from the world. This was the third sledgehammer.

When I was 18, the only person during my junior high life who seemed to register how much pain I was in – my father’s brother Rich – died of a heart attack at 47. I never accepted his offer(extended when I was 14) to talk about what was happening inside of me. I will always regret it because it may have saved me from 11 more years of hell. 

Why send a postcard? The denial is over. I had one shot to talk, and lost it in February of 2000. This was the fourth sledgehammer.

There are about a half-dozen people who read this page. Some, I think, check in almost every day. Some don’t. Please don’t take it personally if you’ve always sensed a wall between you and I. Through no fault of your own, I see you all carrying sledgehammers and fear you. I am currently unable to trust or love you.

Please don’t take it personally if you don’t hear anything from me for awhile. Please don’t take it personally if I ask for no emails, calls or cards expressing sympathy. The wall around me prevents them from registering and I won’t disrespect you by expressing false appreciation. I see one of three courses for my life. Therapy. Death. Mental Breakdown.

I am going to seek out therapy.

-Dan

I’ve updated my list on 43 things. I’m about as introspective and reflective right now as I’ve ever been. It’s Mother’s Day, so I’ll do my best to set it all aside, but for the moment, if you listen to the song 18 from Moby’s album of the same name, you’ll kind of guage my internal state of mind right now.

1.Whirlpool Hot tub
2. in a yellow bug
3. mile hile club
4. waterfall (daytime)
5. ocean
6. scuba diving
7. planetarium
8. washer/dryer
9. bell tower
10. on a horse statue
11. elevator
12. jet ski
13. yacht
14. train(stationary)
15. tree
16. treehouse
17. under a bridge
18. tent
19. while spelunking
20. rope’s course
21. In a dark crevice(double meaning)
22. Tube tunnel at chuck e cheese
23. hot air balloon
24. in goodyear blimp
25. while hang gliding
26. pulpit
27. while swimming with dolphins
28. disneyworld
29. it’s a small world boat
30. four quarters
31. on the equator
32. on the mason-dixon line
33. on the tropic of cancer
34. on the tropic of capricorn
35. while climbing a mountain(or molehill)
36. in jello
37. in a shower
38. the bed
39. la-z-boy
40. couch
41. floor
42. on steak n sex night
43. under a bridge(other side of same bridge)
44. back of police car
45. back of an ambulance
46. on a roller coaster
47. laundromat
48. on a display mattress at jcpenny
49. in a las vegas motel
50. elevator in expensive hotel
51. in a padded room(straight jackets optional)
52. in a fitting room
53. enjoy a jolly roger on a pirate ship
54. nocturnal house
55. rv
56. backyard
57. pool
58. woods
59. beach
60. waterfall (night-time)
61. while driving
62. in a vineyard
63. park of roses
64. nasa
65. 0 gravity
66. wind tunnel
67. hang gliding
68. rock climbing
69. on an elephant ( ) 
70. submarine
71. rain forest
72. in a kayak
73. in a canoe
74. in a house of mirrors
75. parachuting
76. bungee jumping
77. in a library
78. in the white house
79. pool with big phallic symbol thing
80. sperm bank
81. moon walk
82. bouncy castle thing
83. bed n breakfast
84. on lots of pillows
85. in the shaggin wagon
86. on a moped
87. on a segue
88. in a subway
89. flea market
90. in amish country
91. in a field under the stara
92. by a fireplace
93. in a ski lodge
94. at an aquarium
95. at a museum
96. at the four corners
97. at this one place in Utah or something where you can see seven states from one spot.

Let the idyllic fantasies of an untainted life run free.

I LOVE this song. The sound quality of this clip is pretty awful. But listen to the fluctuating vocals that kick in at the 30 second mark as Ms. Martin starts singing the title of the song. Coupled with the beat and the background vocals that join her….wow! This is from Tiesto’s brand new album ‘Elements for Life’ that I bought(duh) the other day. Enjoy!